Denial ain't a river in Egypt

About once a month I receive a gift- a day of solitude mandated by my boss. A day to be alone with the Lord, a day to stop, rest, read, enjoy, pray. It is never easy to accomplish. And there is one who desires that I not spend a day with the Savior. It is the prince of lies, the captain of busyness, the creator of distractions, the deceiver, the king of this world. Even this morning, he put stumbling blocks in my way- a headache, a stuffy head, tired eyes and a to do list ever-streaming in my mind. However, needing refreshment in the dry and weary land of my heart, I put away my phone and my work and opened that gift of undivided time with Jesus.



Today I read through some Psalms and wrote down sweet reminders of God’s goodness:

“I call to God, and the Lord saves me... He ransoms me unharmed.” Psalm 55

“your love is better than life...” Psalm 63

And then I began to read through the book of John, looking for more promises, pouring over every Word, allowing the Word to refine and sharpen me.

“From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.” John 1:16

“The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing.” John 6:63

“He who belongs to God hears what God says.” John 8:47

I read and re-read Jesus’s “I am statements” and thanked him for being the gate, the good shepherd, the bread of life, the resurrection & the life, the true vine, the way, the truth and the life... He is so good to us. He wants us to believe, to enter in, to be saved. He does not leave us orphaned or alone. We are His.

Then came His prayers in John 17. I love how He prays for unity among his disciples and for protection from the evil one, for understanding and for faith. He even prays for us. There has never been a sweeter “last will & testament” spoken on this earth.
 
Next was the beginning of the crucifixion narrative. It’s easier to read about the arrest of Jesus and the betrayal of Judas when you are armed with the reasons why. Arming ourselves with God’s truth, digging deep in the Word, makes it easy to spot the lies and the dead ends. God’s word gives confidence to the truth-seekers, and I personally need His confidence.
 
Then I came to John 18- Peter’s denial of Jesus, and I skipped it. I had been reading the entire book of John, enjoying the twists and turns of Jesus’ miracles and his life-changing affect on people like the woman caught in adultery and the people who saw Lazarus raised from the dead, and I willingly skipped a huge chunk during the climax of the story.

Now, I caught myself, or I wouldn’t be writing about it here. It was one of those aha moments. Courtney- why did you skip that? It took me merely a second to respond. I had to admit, I didn’t want to put the mirror in front of my face. It’s like the title above John 18:15 said, “Courtney’s First Denial” instead of Peter’s.

I made myself read it. At his first denial, Peter was with Jesus- or very near to Him, right outside the door actually. He had come with Jesus because he was “known to the high priest.” Peter was known as a follower of Jesus (he was in full-time ministry and everyone knew it.) He had scripture memorized, had been part of numerous encounters with Jesus and seen many converted. He had, only hours before the arrest, been with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene and seen his best friend in his deepest struggle; he had his feet washed by his Creator and seen an army of soldiers fall to the ground when Jesus identified himself to his captors.

How could Peter, grounded in these incredible circumstances, deny Jesus? Not once but three times AND with a warning! He knew the pitfalls and the temptation would come. And yet he still did it. I want to scream, Jesus warned you! Be prepared. Arm yourself, you dummy!

And yet I skipped the passage because it pierces me deeply, every time. 

I too have the privilege to "work" with Jesus in full-time ministry and everyone knows it. I am often so near to Him and His Word. Yet I deny him- not once, not three times but everyday. I deny him to strangers, maybe not outright, but by choosing darkness instead of light, by identifying with the world instead of with Him. I deny him by my actions, by my unkind words, my judgement and my selfish pride. I deny him in cool calculation even though I know the temptation is coming. I deny him minutes after closing my Bible and seconds before speaking his truth.

I don’t hear a rooster crowing as a reminder, but thankfully, I hear the echoes of God’s Word that’s hidden in my heart. It brings me back- sometimes with a whisper and sometimes with a trumpet blast... “blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.”
           “blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.”
           “it’s God’s kindness that leads to repentance.”
           “you cannot hate your brother and say you love God”
           “deny yourself...take up your cross and follow me.”
           “don’t be afraid, just believe.”
           “flee temptation.” “run from evil.” "pray for your enemies."

And like Peter was restored by Jesus in John 21, I too am restored by His words that have been hidden in my heart for a long time, “His banner over me is love.” Not shame, not anger, not even sacrifice. I’m so thankful that His love “covers a multitude of sin” and restores me even after I deny Him.

Hope you live under that banner too- it is not too heavy to carry, as He is the One carrying you.