Denial ain't a river in Egypt

About once a month I receive a gift- a day of solitude mandated by my boss. A day to be alone with the Lord, a day to stop, rest, read, enjoy, pray. It is never easy to accomplish. And there is one who desires that I not spend a day with the Savior. It is the prince of lies, the captain of busyness, the creator of distractions, the deceiver, the king of this world. Even this morning, he put stumbling blocks in my way- a headache, a stuffy head, tired eyes and a to do list ever-streaming in my mind. However, needing refreshment in the dry and weary land of my heart, I put away my phone and my work and opened that gift of undivided time with Jesus.



Today I read through some Psalms and wrote down sweet reminders of God’s goodness:

“I call to God, and the Lord saves me... He ransoms me unharmed.” Psalm 55

“your love is better than life...” Psalm 63

And then I began to read through the book of John, looking for more promises, pouring over every Word, allowing the Word to refine and sharpen me.

“From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.” John 1:16

“The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing.” John 6:63

“He who belongs to God hears what God says.” John 8:47

I read and re-read Jesus’s “I am statements” and thanked him for being the gate, the good shepherd, the bread of life, the resurrection & the life, the true vine, the way, the truth and the life... He is so good to us. He wants us to believe, to enter in, to be saved. He does not leave us orphaned or alone. We are His.

Then came His prayers in John 17. I love how He prays for unity among his disciples and for protection from the evil one, for understanding and for faith. He even prays for us. There has never been a sweeter “last will & testament” spoken on this earth.
 
Next was the beginning of the crucifixion narrative. It’s easier to read about the arrest of Jesus and the betrayal of Judas when you are armed with the reasons why. Arming ourselves with God’s truth, digging deep in the Word, makes it easy to spot the lies and the dead ends. God’s word gives confidence to the truth-seekers, and I personally need His confidence.
 
Then I came to John 18- Peter’s denial of Jesus, and I skipped it. I had been reading the entire book of John, enjoying the twists and turns of Jesus’ miracles and his life-changing affect on people like the woman caught in adultery and the people who saw Lazarus raised from the dead, and I willingly skipped a huge chunk during the climax of the story.

Now, I caught myself, or I wouldn’t be writing about it here. It was one of those aha moments. Courtney- why did you skip that? It took me merely a second to respond. I had to admit, I didn’t want to put the mirror in front of my face. It’s like the title above John 18:15 said, “Courtney’s First Denial” instead of Peter’s.

I made myself read it. At his first denial, Peter was with Jesus- or very near to Him, right outside the door actually. He had come with Jesus because he was “known to the high priest.” Peter was known as a follower of Jesus (he was in full-time ministry and everyone knew it.) He had scripture memorized, had been part of numerous encounters with Jesus and seen many converted. He had, only hours before the arrest, been with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene and seen his best friend in his deepest struggle; he had his feet washed by his Creator and seen an army of soldiers fall to the ground when Jesus identified himself to his captors.

How could Peter, grounded in these incredible circumstances, deny Jesus? Not once but three times AND with a warning! He knew the pitfalls and the temptation would come. And yet he still did it. I want to scream, Jesus warned you! Be prepared. Arm yourself, you dummy!

And yet I skipped the passage because it pierces me deeply, every time. 

I too have the privilege to "work" with Jesus in full-time ministry and everyone knows it. I am often so near to Him and His Word. Yet I deny him- not once, not three times but everyday. I deny him to strangers, maybe not outright, but by choosing darkness instead of light, by identifying with the world instead of with Him. I deny him by my actions, by my unkind words, my judgement and my selfish pride. I deny him in cool calculation even though I know the temptation is coming. I deny him minutes after closing my Bible and seconds before speaking his truth.

I don’t hear a rooster crowing as a reminder, but thankfully, I hear the echoes of God’s Word that’s hidden in my heart. It brings me back- sometimes with a whisper and sometimes with a trumpet blast... “blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.”
           “blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.”
           “it’s God’s kindness that leads to repentance.”
           “you cannot hate your brother and say you love God”
           “deny yourself...take up your cross and follow me.”
           “don’t be afraid, just believe.”
           “flee temptation.” “run from evil.” "pray for your enemies."

And like Peter was restored by Jesus in John 21, I too am restored by His words that have been hidden in my heart for a long time, “His banner over me is love.” Not shame, not anger, not even sacrifice. I’m so thankful that His love “covers a multitude of sin” and restores me even after I deny Him.

Hope you live under that banner too- it is not too heavy to carry, as He is the One carrying you.

A long obedience in the same direction...

I've been learning, for almost twenty years now, that this life is a "long obedience in the same direction" and sometimes that is overwhelming. Just those words "long" "obedience" and "same" can give me quite a pit in my stomach. I was talking to a friend yesterday about my 15 year college reunion coming up this summer. She said something like, "I bet a lot has changed since then." Well actually I realized how many things are still the same in my life. 

When you graduate college, it feels like the world is at your finger tips, and you can go anywhere, do anything, meet the man of your dreams and name your kids those adorable names that you've already thought about and shared with your girlfriends while eating that 12th double-stuffed Oreo that you said you wouldn't eat. 

My life, on the other hand hasn't been exactly like that. Well, the Oreos have been there and I've gone many places and done lots of things. But it's been God's way, God's choosing. I wouldn't have chosen this life. Is it sinful to admit that? Or are you surprised?

Yet, I have the greatest life. I see redemption almost everyday. I've seen countless young people cross over from death to life. I've believed that Jesus is going to save, refine, change and sanctify so many whom I love, and He has done it. He is still doing it. I've been to places all over the world because of this life God chose. I would say that His plan far exceeds any I could dream up. 

One day while talking to a friend about being in my 30's and being (very) single, I said a phrase that I have said many times. "I am fine being single and I love my job on Young Life staff, and I know God has ordained this for me & I couldn't spend the time I spend with kids and leaders if I was married, but being married is still my highest desire." After I said it to her, I was stopped by a very clear thought. I realized, no it's not. My highest desire is that lost and lonely and desperate and angry and faithless people would repent and believe in Jesus.

There was such a comfort in that thought. I'm so thankful that not only did God change my desired path to His perfect plan, He also gave me an undivided heart for Him. Now, this is in no way a marriage-bashing post or a single-life manifesto. Just to be clear, being married, having a partner in this life, is right up there at the top of my list of desires... but until then Jesus is my husband and partner. He is my home, and He is faithful.

I don't think life, married or single, can be lived in any other way. If we knew three steps ahead, one year ahead, I don't think we could take it. I know personally I would try to control, manipulate or just plain fight it. The Lord knows what He is doing to give us one step, one opportunity, one day at a time. Could I have handled the burden of being 36 and single when I was 22 and restless? I pray that each of us can let go of what's going to happen in 2 days or 2 years and live out that "long obedience in the same direction" one day at a time, knowing that the gentle and kind hand of the Lord guides us.

I'm actually NOT superwoman

Here's an email I sent out this morning to some friends who are also on Young Life staff asking them to pray for me.... I'm not one for admitting when things are hard or for exposing my weaknesses or short-comings (which in itself is a huge weakness)... so here's a peek. Enjoy it.

hey friends-

Well, I haven't ventured outside yet because I hear it's very cold and I went to sleep at 2:00 am last night after being up at 5:00 am on Thursday and the day before, and we placed 35 new leaders last night, and I woke up crying because I was so happy yet so overwhelmed and because I know change is coming in the way I spend my time (shifting more from h.s. kids to college kids and leaders plus adults etc)... not to mention, in all this, I see a huge stumbling block in front of me called "my pride" and a false god before me called "make sure everyone is happy & you please people" and so I need prayer.

I think this group of gals (my kindred sisters in ministry) might know exactly how I feel. I will pray for you as you pray for me. I've been thinking all week about Nehemiah. David talked about him last Saturday at our Eastern YL Committee Day. He pointed us to Nehemiah's "actions" after he found out about the state of Jerusalem and his people- destroyed, broken down and needing help... Here's what he "did":

Nehemiah 1:4   When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before God.

Personally, I'd rather spring into action and fix things. If I don't fix it, who will? As absurd as that thought is, it often makes my decisions everyday. But by Nehemiah waiting, and going before the Lord, and being honest about his broken heart, he eventually had an audience with the king about his people whom he loved... which led to his return to Jerusalem, his partnering with many other believers and eventually the restoration of the holy city.... He got what he longed for but it was God's way.

I am trying to take this way of Nehemiah... mourning, waiting, praying... and make it my own. Please pray for me... and I will pray for you. I'm guessing you too woke up today to a battle of the mind and heart like this one I'm facing...

Thank you, friends!
Courtney