Prepare Him Room

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

The other day I had a scheduled solitude day. That means phone off, in my living in room in my chair and a few hours of uninterrupted listening, reading, praying and journaling. It's usually difficult to settle into that time, but it is always refreshing and refocusing. I've said it before, but it is a gift that we are required to take one every month. 

This particular day I woke up and did some things around the house, got my coffee, sent some emails. As I was thinking about my time, I felt God leading me to have some confession time with Him, to specifically confess some specific sin. 

Ughhhhhh I thought. I don't want to do that. I don't want to dig in and remember that ugly stuff that I know is not honoring to God and that I know isn't light to others but darkness. I don't want to be ashamed of what I've thought or done or said. I don't want to admit weakness. Ughhhhh. 

But I sat down, and I gave in. Ok, Lord, bring it up to the surface. Let me be broken over it because I know it breaks your heart. More than that, I know you hate it. God hates sin. Let me remember that you died for this sin, before I committed it, knowing that I was going to deny you more times than Peter and choose riches and personal gain more times than Judas. 

Then as I sat, God gave me a little picture of confession. He knows I'm simple-minded, so He gave me a simple picture. The guys with the big dump truck were driving down my street sucking up dead leaves that lined both sides of my street. Big piles, lots of dead leaves. I sat by the window and just watched the beautiful clean up. They were sucking up those leaves and getting rid of them. Bringing the street back to its intended state- clean, usable, not crowded with decaying leaves, plenty of room for movement, plenty of room for people to enter in and to leave. 

You see where I'm going with this... what a picture of our lives and sin and confession. If it sticks around in decaying, dark piles then it keeps us in a state in which we weren't intended. If our sin stays in the darkness of our hearts and minds then it decays our hearts and minds instead of freeing them. It keeps piles of shame and sin around. Who knows what is hiding in it? Addiction that needs to be dealt with, self-hate that needs to be lifted, pride that God opposes? 

When we confess- whether on paper or to a person we've wronged- we bring that sin into the light and we take away its power. We are able to ask forgiveness and believe the truth of Psalm 103:8-12: 

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever; 
 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Autumn is a beautiful time- the changing leaves are gorgeous, but they are dead and dying. They are trying to get out of the way for new life, new fruit. We would never want to hinder that process. We should feel the same way about sin and confession. Out with the old and in with the new. For me, that can be painful, but it is so worth it. 

In light of the Advent season starting today, let's take time to "prepare Him room" in our hearts and enjoy the gift of confession and the covering and cleansing of our sins by the life and death of Jesus. He who knew no sin became our sin so we could be set free and have everlasting, fruitful life. 

 

confidence

This morning at church I saw a man singing with joy, raising his hands, huge smile on his face, to the lyrics, "I am bound for promised land." I love that song (On Jordan's Stormy Banks) because it talks about the promise we have to look forward to when earth passes away and when we leave this painful, troublesome, sinful life for the one where there are no more tears, no more pain and where only God and His goodness abound. 

A visitor at church this morning, seeing this man, might've thought, what a sweet picture of a happy man, but I happen to know this man is dying of cancer. And what I saw was not dismay or sadness about his deteriorating health or impending death. I saw pure confidence- confidence in the Father, in His promises, in the fact that indeed, sooner than later, he would be in the promised land with Jesus. 

That is the confidence that we all long for. Everyone feels it. Some of us think it's worldly confidence or success or maybe even wealth that will satisfy the longing. Something to fill us up. However, what this man knows is that it's not a filling up but an emptying. An emptying of all things this world has, all things that cause pain- envy, greed, laziness, sin, hatred, dead-end relationships- and a filling up of the Holy Spirit. That's where we will find this confidence- one that brings no fear in life or death.  

Every now and then we get a glimpse of this confidence- singing praise songs, seeing a breathtaking view of God's creation, when someone is truly selfless. I see it at Young Life camp and when I'm studying scripture. And we ask, what is it? Why do I "feel" it at those times? Well, it's because we've emptied ourselves and opened the door for Jesus to be the center, the fulfillment, the focus. 

Everything else, everyone else, will leave you longing for more. They will leave you in a place of insecurity and wariness. Everything else, everyone else, will make you question and search and thirst. Jesus alone fulfills.

A few months ago, I heard a friend say that what changed his life was when his mentor said to him, "if you're going to live like heaven and hell don't exist, you better be absolutely sure." If you are in Christ, you can be sure. And that will radically change your life here and your life for eternity. I guess my question for your is, are you absolutely sure? Does your life show confidence or insecurity? 

And we don't know when that life will end. We don't know when that confidence, that surety will come into question. So as I was reminded by my pastor this morning, what if you knew it was today? Would you argue, complain, cheat, be lazy? Or would you share, serve, love, enjoy? Since we don't know what day or what hour we will take our last breath, let's live in that confidence that comes in Christ alone, being joyful even in sorrow, being secure even in trouble. (Matthew 24:36-44)  

 On Jordan's stormy banks I stand, 
 and cast a wishful eye 
 to Canaan's fair and happy land, 
 where my possessions lie. 

 (Chorus) I am bound for the promised land, 
 I am bound for the promised land; 
 oh, who will come and go with me? 
 I am bound for the promised land. 

 O'er all those wide extended plains 
 shines one eternal day; 
 there God the Son forever reigns, 
 and scatters night away. 
 
 No chilling winds or poisonous breath 
 can reach that healthful shore; 
 sickness and sorrow, pain and death, 
 are felt and feared no more. 

 When I shall reach that happy place, 
 I'll be forever blest, 
 for I shall see my Father's face, 
 and in his bosom rest.

The Secret of The Centurion

                                                 My grandfather, M.O. Owens

    

    A couple weeks ago (Sept 4th) my grandfather "Papa" turned 100 years old. A century. Born in 1913. In his lifetime, he's witnessed/been affected by/been a part of: World War I and II, the roaring 20's, women's suffrage, the Great Depression, segregation, the civil rights movement, Watergate, JFK, Martin Luther King, hippies, the first man on the moon, the Vietnam War, the Korean War, the Cold War, the Gulf War, the war in Afghanistan, the fall of the Berlin Wall, 9/11, oil shortages, recessions, along with the birth of the internet, cell phones, television, the automobile industry, records, 8 tracks, cassette tapes, cd's, dvd's, mp3s, ipods, laptops ... the list could go on. 

    When I stop and think about that list, I cannot comprehend the amount of change he's seen in his lifetime. As a boy, his family bartered for sugar during the Great Depression, yet now he can visit a drive-thru and swipe a piece of plastic that somehow communicates through the air to tell money from his bank account to "jump" into theirs.  

    As we've celebrated his life and accomplishments, many cannot believe all he's done, the lives he's touched, the legacy he's created. Many have asked him, "what's your secret to making it to 100?" When I spent time with him during his birthday weekend and asked the same question, he laughed and simply couldn't answer.

    From my observations, he does some practical things like exercises weekly by playing golf, eats well & not too much, hasn't ever smoked, reads a lot, does crossword puzzles to keep his mind sharp, has lots of friends to help him laugh, and he "exercises" his brain by writing a monthly newsletter & working on a couple books. Daily, he navigates through the interruption of phone calls and emails while also writing 2 sermons per week. He socializes with the other residents in his building and with friends from church and golfing, and of course he studies his Bible. 

   During our visit I asked him a few more questions and learned his favorite books of the Bible are Isaiah and Philippians (because it's so down to earth). He watches very little tv (ballgames mainly), and if you look around his little apartment you'll see a lot of books, magazines and pictures of his family. He loves fruit and decaf coffee, has lots of plants around his place, and if he stops to eat lunch, it's usually just a bowl of soup. 

   Before I left, I asked again, about his life well-lived. He said, "well really, I just take it a day at a time. I've never really looked ahead. Today's the day, so I pay attention to today." To him, it has never been a secret. It's been a decision... to live his life in a way that honors God- active, full, doing rather than being, immersed in the Word rather than in the world. 

   So let me answer for him. His secret is that he lives each day like James 2: "faith without works is dead" and Colossians 4: "make the most of every opportunity." He sees life like James 4: "we are not promised tomorrow... your life is but a vapor."

  In Colossians 1:27, Paul talks about the secret to life, the mystery that was hidden for the ages until Jesus came on the earth. That secret is "Christ in you, the hope of glory." And that is how my Papa lives- Christ is IN him so that everyone around him is given hope. This secret defines my grandfather's amazing life. 

   When we live with Christ in us, no matter how many days we draw breath, "[Jesus] is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me."  Colossians 1:28-29

  

Missing in Action

 An update from my summer...

Well, it's been over four months since I've written on here & a lot has happened. You could say I've been "missing in action." Another school year of YL ended with new leaders, new ministries and new lives changed. I went to Europe for 3 weeks with 6 friends from BHS Young Life where we backpacked around 4 countries & worked at a camp in the French Alps (I know, not too shabby). I went to YL camp for 4 weeks where I dressed up like a penguin, wore a camoflauge dress with sequins and hot pink netting, lost my voice from too much singing, talking, and screaming and saw hundreds of teenagers from Raleigh and all over the US cross over from death to life as they heard the Gospel. And I spent a very fun week at the beach with my whole family and only slept in my own bed about 4 times all summer. 

                                         Documenting the sites we were seeing in Barcelona! 

                                 Laughing & trying to stay dry during a bike ride through Paris! 

                            Raleigh kids & leaders at Sharp Top Cove- a YL camp in North Georgia.

                              One of my program characters- "Sunny"- about to go on stage.

                                                 Yes, this is my job. I get paid to do this! :) 

                    And my 6 cute, hilarious, wild, playful nephews at our family beach week.


 And there are some changes in my life...

Since about 1995, I've been doing ministry with high school students- mainly through Young Life but also at my church and even in Uganda. This summer I made the leap into college ministry with the start of Young Life College at NC State and Meredith. A lot feels the same, but there are many differences. I'm sure, when I can actually find some time I will write about those differences here. 

One of things that feels the same is that we're still dealing with adolescence (and adolescents). Does that sentence even make sense? Well, if you need a reminder, adolescence is the period of development when a person moves from being a child to being an adult. Fifty years ago, adulthood started at 18. Today, adulthood seems to start at 22 or 25 even. Many may frown on this shift and think parents need to stop enabling, and kids need to start taking responsibility. Well, I'm choosing to look at it in a positive way- A longer adolescence means there are 4 (or 5) more years of development, where young people can actually grow and learn and discover and be shaped into people who love, serve and give. 

I want to be a part of this development at every stage- because I see so many lost and searching teenagers being shaped by the dead end pursuit of popularity, partying, materialism, and success, to name a few. These pursuits seem to temporarily fill that longing for eternity, but we all know, they never satisfy. And so many young people have taken what God created to be good- relationships, work, money, pleasure, learning and sex- and perverted His intentions. I want to be one of the truth tellers- of God's goodness, so that they can quit fumbling in the darkness and enjoy the freedom of the light.

Because of this trend and need we've seen in young people, in the past 2 years we have widened our focus in Raleigh Young Life to include outreach to middle schoolers and college students. While this has been extremely overwhelming personally, I am beyond excited about what God is doing and how He is using us to share the love of Christ to more people. 

The more I learn about the freedom, the fullness, the completion that Jesus gives, the more I want to share it. As many think that it's about God's rules and religion around us, I am convinced that it's about God's passion and power for us.

Please pray for me, for wisdom and generosity, for faith and reliance solely on the Lord. 

Stuff

I've been reminded of a difficult lesson recently... one that could've been worse, so I am thankful despite the difficulty. My house was broken into and a few things were stolen. The violation of my privacy is so unfortunate & it certainly is taking me awhile to sleep peacefully. 

The stuff that was stolen belonged to my roommate- it was valuable stuff, but replaceable stuff. She has taught me a valuable lesson by the way she reacted to her stuff being stolen- yes she was scared- but in the end she wasn't that upset. She knew it was just stuff. She knows that people and relationships are more important than things. She placed value on the right "stuff." 

I've learned similar lessons about the real value of stuff over the years- I still have stuff bagged up in my attic from the time I moved to Africa and rented my house to friends. Stuff, that at one time, I needed so badly, paid for and displayed in my home. Now it's collecting dust in my attic. Actually, I don't even remember what most of it is. My car has scratches and dings. My house has marks and stains. My expensive refrigerator's ice dispenser doesn't work, and all those dresses that I bought over the years for dances & parties- they've been given away or get used for Young Life skits (can you say full-sequins prom dress circa 1994?) 

Not to mention the fact that when I lived in Uganda, I had such a small amount of stuff yet I was blissfully happy and satisfied. I lived by a head lamp and without a microwave, no tv, internet, Starbucks or electricity for that matter. I'll say it again. It was a blissful time in my life, without all that stuff.  

When I first started buying my own stuff, I used to hold on so tightly to it all. My house, my car, my clothes. I used to think it was so important because it defined me, made me look good. I liked being in control of all this stuff. I don't know why I thought this way. I never saw this behavior modeled from my parents while growing up. They actually hold on to their stuff more loosely than anyone I know. They are the first ones to loan out their cars, their home, their stuff. 

I guess the world tells you that stuff matters. "The one who dies with the most stuff wins." No, I believe the one who dies with the most stuff dies. After all, they found King Tut's body rotting along with all the things he had hidden in his tomb to take with him after he died. His valuable stuff became decaying stuff.

I think having a lot of stuff increases our need to be in control which gives us a false sense of security. Until that stuff is taken, burned, broken, forgotten. 

So how do we handle all this stuff? Do we hold on tighter? Do we feel guilty because we have more stuff than others? Do we just live without stuff because that's what Jesus did? I think Psalm 24:1 points to the answer: "The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it."

This verse is one of the first ones I learned while taking a Crown Financial class (crown.org), and it has been etched in my mind ever since. It is not my stuff. I am simply a steward of God's stuff. This house, it's his. How can I honor Him while I live here? How can I share its space and its comfort with those who are in need? How can I be generous with the "stuff" God has entrusted to me? This car, it's His. How can I serve Him using this car? He has given me these things and He can take them away. Why would I hold on to this stuff so tightly? It's not mine. It has all been created and given and held together by God. 

Remembering Psalm 24:1 helps me to give freely and hold everything that I "own" very loosely, recognizing that God is the giver and owner of all things. So many other scriptures have also pointed me to this mindset and the freedom from juggling all my stuff: 

"Then Jesus said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self?" Luke 9:23-25

"For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil." 1 Timothy 6:10 

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."  Colossians 1:17 

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

"God loves a cheerful giver." 2 Corinthians 9:7

There have been a few books that have also counseled me in this area and have encouraged me to have less stuff and to place less value on stuff: 

Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster
Freedom of Simplicity by Richard Foster
Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoffer  
Shadow of the Almighty by Elisabeth Elliott
Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret by Howard Taylor 
A Chance to Die by Elisabeth Elliott
Radical by David Platt
Crazy Love by Francis Chan 

I know that this battle between what you own and what owns you is a real one because I fight it everyday as well. May our grip loosen on things and tighten on God. May we remember the value of people over the value of things. May we all remember exactly what it is that makes us toss and turn and scrimp and save; it's just stuff. And may we, with wisdom and open hearts, exchange our plenty of stuff for the peace of Christ. 

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the 

riches of his glory in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19

                                                               

Will the Real Jesus Please Stand Up?

This past week I did something scary. I mean, right up there with jump off a high tower scary: I spoke to a room full of elementary school students at Trinity Academy. Now public speaking isn't really scary to me. It's the giving a 15 minute talk to wiggly, distracted, silly, tiny-attention-span, playful, not-sure-if-they-can-understand-anything-you're-saying children thing. I mean, give me a room full of disinterested, talkative, looking-at-their phones teenagers, and I'll happily accept the challenge. 

I did have the privilege of speaking to both the lower school and upper school, and I think starting off by telling them how I've met Beyonce gave me a good 5 extra minutes of their attention. (Yes, I really have met her & yes, she really is that cool). 

The scripture I used was John 12:1-8 (when Jesus goes to Bethany and spends time with his friends Mary, Martha & Lazarus before the Passover, weeks before his crucifixion.) At first glance, I thought the passage's lesson was in the timing and extravagant love of Mary wiping Jesus' feet with the expensive perfume. Although that is exactly the devotion we should all strive for, the lesson that jumped out to me was that Jesus came back to his friends (because He is relational) and that they honored Him (because He had done something worth honoring in their lives).

 

In Young Life we love telling teenagers that you can have a relationship with Jesus, that His death made that possible. He had 12 best friends. He related to strangers one-on-one. He was constantly with people, not from the comfort of a throne room or even by appointment- but simply out and about where people worked and talked and played and shopped, in their homes and by their bedsides, near the church and near the roadside, where the poor and sick convalesced and where the rich congregated. Jesus was there. 

In John 12 we see Jesus being deeply relational- coming back to visit his friends, to enjoy a dinner with them, in His honor. We know that Jesus has been with them before and impacted Mary, Martha and Lazarus like no one else ever could- Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead! And because of this impact, this remarkable encounter, because of this relationship, they wanted to honor Him. 

I wonder- if you don't know this Jesus, perhaps you are only looking for him on Sunday morning or when you are in need or maybe on religious holidays or to bless your meal. If a relational Jesus seems far from your idea of the real Jesus, perhaps it's because of simply that- there's no two-sided relationship. James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." That is a promise. Everyday, draw near to Him. Dive into His Word. Ask Him to guide you. Trust the Holy Spirit. Turn off the distractions that keep you from Him. Like every relationship, it takes an effort. But unlike any other relationship, this one is with our Creator, the Lover of our souls, the Author of life and the King of all kings.

And lastly, look at Lazarus, look at him sitting by Jesus, listening to Him, dining with Him, honoring Him. Why does He do this? Because Jesus saved him and brought Him back to life. Lazarus honored Jesus because he recognized what Jesus did in his life. 

As we recognize that Jesus saved us by taking our place on the cross and dying for us, we too will honor Him. As we remember the gift of His resurrection, we will long to thank Jesus with our time, our lives, our hearts... we will serve Him like Martha, listen to Him like Lazarus and worship Him like Mary. 

I pray that as we all recognize what Jesus has done for us, we will honor Him and grow in our relationships with Him. He does not wait to meet us at church or visit us on Easter. He's in every quiet moment and in every doubt so we can look to Him for knowledge and wisdom. He covers every sin and every ounce of hate so we can be reconciled to Him when we feel distant from God. He's at work and at home and at parties and at the store so that He can guide our decisions toward abundant life. This Jesus is the real Jesus- real to us in every step and near to us in every moment. Let's honor Him together everyday.

 

Lessons from Prepositions

Last week I went to Nicaragua with some of our college students to work with Vida Joven (Young Life) and to get to know some kindred friends and fellow Young Life leaders in Esteli as well as help them with a construction project they have in the works. And I learned a little something. You could say the old adage is true... I was in the right place at the right time.

You see I learned some things and grew in some ways while I was in Nicaragua that I just couldn't have if I had spent the week at home, in my comfort zone, in my ergonomic life that fits into my daily plan. It all seems to fit nicely- meals, job, car, home, friends, family, paycheck, Target. They are all right where I need them. I use them to meet "my needs" and sometimes I ask God what He thinks. I'm pretty comfortable right here.

But you know, that's the problem- Comfort. You realize that when you lie on something for too long, you get bed sores, and then something has to change.

While down in Nic, I had the time to get up early every day and spend time in the Word. I had the gift of my phone not having service and not having Wifi everywhere I went while the inconvenience of not knowing the language meant that I talked less and therefore listened more.

And I read a Psalm everyday. Psalm 63 was on Tuesday.

I've read Psalm 63 countless times. It's one of my comforting go-to's.

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.  

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.

This time, however, the phrase "in the sanctuary" jumped out of the page to me like never before. It stuck out, and I read it again... looking for a clue. Why did this jump out? Then I read some more and the phrases "on my bed" and "in the shadow of your wings" jumped out too.

Ok, give me a clue here Lord... hmmm I see prepositions. I know, things you can do to a cloud?

No, but close! The phrases indicate being in a place. So I looked back. What happened in these places?
     *God was seen
     *God was remembered
     *God was praised

And then an "aha" moment. I realized WHERE I am matters in terms of how I know God. Don't get me wrong. I'm not limiting God. I'm just paying attention to what scripture says.

If I want to see God, go to the "sanctuary"... the place of quiet, where there are no distractions, the place of holiness, stillness, calm, peace, respect, rest, retreat... where I can stand in awe of my Creator, because the storm of my life has cleared. When I see Him, I am humbled.

If I want to remember God, go to the place where I rest... stop working, controlling, manipulating, battling, fixing, trying, pushing, talking and simply remember that He is the One who holds all things together. He is the One who is the author, the potter, the master, and I am simply the letter, the clay, the instrument, the vessel. When I remember Him, I am set right.

If I want to praise God, go near to Him and ask for help... go to his Word, his attributes, his gifts, his path and no one else's. When I recognize that no one else will fix me or save me or fill me, that He is the One, I find myself "helped" and resting in the shadow of His wings. Clinging to Him. Soaring with Him, letting everyone know- He is my rescuer. He did it. Everyone can see. I'm not the wing or the bones or the muscles. I'm the passenger along for the ride. When I praise Him, I am set free.

My mom used to always say,  "nothing good happens after midnight" and she never wanted me to be anywhere else but safely home at that hour. (The older I get of course I realize she was right). But I think the bigger point she was making was- where you are matters and whom you're with matters.

Do we take the time to go to these places of sanctuary & rest, places where we can see that only God can help, places where we're reminded that the Good Shepherd protects us from the one who longs to steal, kill and destroy? Do we come near to Him and see Him fulfill the promise in James 4:8, "draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

In Nicaragua, I had that opportunity. I had that chance to see God. I went to the sanctuary. I asked God for help. I stopped the busyness of my life,  and I remembered God. I clung to Him, and I praised Him.

Most of us can't go to Nicaragua or Africa or even an actual sanctuary every day to "get away." So we must find those places where we can turn off the world, turn away from self and seek God in order to see Him. I fear if I don't, if you don't, our spiritual bed sores will keep us shifting in our own selfishness, distracted by pain and poison, busily patching them up with good deeds and good television shows.

So go...move, leave, change, seek... Learn from the prepositions in Psalm 63. Get out of the stale comfort of your life and go where you can see God, remember Him and praise Him. I can promise you, no matter where you are now, it's a better view from the shadow of His wings.

Denial ain't a river in Egypt

About once a month I receive a gift- a day of solitude mandated by my boss. A day to be alone with the Lord, a day to stop, rest, read, enjoy, pray. It is never easy to accomplish. And there is one who desires that I not spend a day with the Savior. It is the prince of lies, the captain of busyness, the creator of distractions, the deceiver, the king of this world. Even this morning, he put stumbling blocks in my way- a headache, a stuffy head, tired eyes and a to do list ever-streaming in my mind. However, needing refreshment in the dry and weary land of my heart, I put away my phone and my work and opened that gift of undivided time with Jesus.



Today I read through some Psalms and wrote down sweet reminders of God’s goodness:

“I call to God, and the Lord saves me... He ransoms me unharmed.” Psalm 55

“your love is better than life...” Psalm 63

And then I began to read through the book of John, looking for more promises, pouring over every Word, allowing the Word to refine and sharpen me.

“From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.” John 1:16

“The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing.” John 6:63

“He who belongs to God hears what God says.” John 8:47

I read and re-read Jesus’s “I am statements” and thanked him for being the gate, the good shepherd, the bread of life, the resurrection & the life, the true vine, the way, the truth and the life... He is so good to us. He wants us to believe, to enter in, to be saved. He does not leave us orphaned or alone. We are His.

Then came His prayers in John 17. I love how He prays for unity among his disciples and for protection from the evil one, for understanding and for faith. He even prays for us. There has never been a sweeter “last will & testament” spoken on this earth.
 
Next was the beginning of the crucifixion narrative. It’s easier to read about the arrest of Jesus and the betrayal of Judas when you are armed with the reasons why. Arming ourselves with God’s truth, digging deep in the Word, makes it easy to spot the lies and the dead ends. God’s word gives confidence to the truth-seekers, and I personally need His confidence.
 
Then I came to John 18- Peter’s denial of Jesus, and I skipped it. I had been reading the entire book of John, enjoying the twists and turns of Jesus’ miracles and his life-changing affect on people like the woman caught in adultery and the people who saw Lazarus raised from the dead, and I willingly skipped a huge chunk during the climax of the story.

Now, I caught myself, or I wouldn’t be writing about it here. It was one of those aha moments. Courtney- why did you skip that? It took me merely a second to respond. I had to admit, I didn’t want to put the mirror in front of my face. It’s like the title above John 18:15 said, “Courtney’s First Denial” instead of Peter’s.

I made myself read it. At his first denial, Peter was with Jesus- or very near to Him, right outside the door actually. He had come with Jesus because he was “known to the high priest.” Peter was known as a follower of Jesus (he was in full-time ministry and everyone knew it.) He had scripture memorized, had been part of numerous encounters with Jesus and seen many converted. He had, only hours before the arrest, been with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemene and seen his best friend in his deepest struggle; he had his feet washed by his Creator and seen an army of soldiers fall to the ground when Jesus identified himself to his captors.

How could Peter, grounded in these incredible circumstances, deny Jesus? Not once but three times AND with a warning! He knew the pitfalls and the temptation would come. And yet he still did it. I want to scream, Jesus warned you! Be prepared. Arm yourself, you dummy!

And yet I skipped the passage because it pierces me deeply, every time. 

I too have the privilege to "work" with Jesus in full-time ministry and everyone knows it. I am often so near to Him and His Word. Yet I deny him- not once, not three times but everyday. I deny him to strangers, maybe not outright, but by choosing darkness instead of light, by identifying with the world instead of with Him. I deny him by my actions, by my unkind words, my judgement and my selfish pride. I deny him in cool calculation even though I know the temptation is coming. I deny him minutes after closing my Bible and seconds before speaking his truth.

I don’t hear a rooster crowing as a reminder, but thankfully, I hear the echoes of God’s Word that’s hidden in my heart. It brings me back- sometimes with a whisper and sometimes with a trumpet blast... “blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.”
           “blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.”
           “it’s God’s kindness that leads to repentance.”
           “you cannot hate your brother and say you love God”
           “deny yourself...take up your cross and follow me.”
           “don’t be afraid, just believe.”
           “flee temptation.” “run from evil.” "pray for your enemies."

And like Peter was restored by Jesus in John 21, I too am restored by His words that have been hidden in my heart for a long time, “His banner over me is love.” Not shame, not anger, not even sacrifice. I’m so thankful that His love “covers a multitude of sin” and restores me even after I deny Him.

Hope you live under that banner too- it is not too heavy to carry, as He is the One carrying you.

A long obedience in the same direction...

I've been learning, for almost twenty years now, that this life is a "long obedience in the same direction" and sometimes that is overwhelming. Just those words "long" "obedience" and "same" can give me quite a pit in my stomach. I was talking to a friend yesterday about my 15 year college reunion coming up this summer. She said something like, "I bet a lot has changed since then." Well actually I realized how many things are still the same in my life. 

When you graduate college, it feels like the world is at your finger tips, and you can go anywhere, do anything, meet the man of your dreams and name your kids those adorable names that you've already thought about and shared with your girlfriends while eating that 12th double-stuffed Oreo that you said you wouldn't eat. 

My life, on the other hand hasn't been exactly like that. Well, the Oreos have been there and I've gone many places and done lots of things. But it's been God's way, God's choosing. I wouldn't have chosen this life. Is it sinful to admit that? Or are you surprised?

Yet, I have the greatest life. I see redemption almost everyday. I've seen countless young people cross over from death to life. I've believed that Jesus is going to save, refine, change and sanctify so many whom I love, and He has done it. He is still doing it. I've been to places all over the world because of this life God chose. I would say that His plan far exceeds any I could dream up. 

One day while talking to a friend about being in my 30's and being (very) single, I said a phrase that I have said many times. "I am fine being single and I love my job on Young Life staff, and I know God has ordained this for me & I couldn't spend the time I spend with kids and leaders if I was married, but being married is still my highest desire." After I said it to her, I was stopped by a very clear thought. I realized, no it's not. My highest desire is that lost and lonely and desperate and angry and faithless people would repent and believe in Jesus.

There was such a comfort in that thought. I'm so thankful that not only did God change my desired path to His perfect plan, He also gave me an undivided heart for Him. Now, this is in no way a marriage-bashing post or a single-life manifesto. Just to be clear, being married, having a partner in this life, is right up there at the top of my list of desires... but until then Jesus is my husband and partner. He is my home, and He is faithful.

I don't think life, married or single, can be lived in any other way. If we knew three steps ahead, one year ahead, I don't think we could take it. I know personally I would try to control, manipulate or just plain fight it. The Lord knows what He is doing to give us one step, one opportunity, one day at a time. Could I have handled the burden of being 36 and single when I was 22 and restless? I pray that each of us can let go of what's going to happen in 2 days or 2 years and live out that "long obedience in the same direction" one day at a time, knowing that the gentle and kind hand of the Lord guides us.

I'm actually NOT superwoman

Here's an email I sent out this morning to some friends who are also on Young Life staff asking them to pray for me.... I'm not one for admitting when things are hard or for exposing my weaknesses or short-comings (which in itself is a huge weakness)... so here's a peek. Enjoy it.

hey friends-

Well, I haven't ventured outside yet because I hear it's very cold and I went to sleep at 2:00 am last night after being up at 5:00 am on Thursday and the day before, and we placed 35 new leaders last night, and I woke up crying because I was so happy yet so overwhelmed and because I know change is coming in the way I spend my time (shifting more from h.s. kids to college kids and leaders plus adults etc)... not to mention, in all this, I see a huge stumbling block in front of me called "my pride" and a false god before me called "make sure everyone is happy & you please people" and so I need prayer.

I think this group of gals (my kindred sisters in ministry) might know exactly how I feel. I will pray for you as you pray for me. I've been thinking all week about Nehemiah. David talked about him last Saturday at our Eastern YL Committee Day. He pointed us to Nehemiah's "actions" after he found out about the state of Jerusalem and his people- destroyed, broken down and needing help... Here's what he "did":

Nehemiah 1:4   When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before God.

Personally, I'd rather spring into action and fix things. If I don't fix it, who will? As absurd as that thought is, it often makes my decisions everyday. But by Nehemiah waiting, and going before the Lord, and being honest about his broken heart, he eventually had an audience with the king about his people whom he loved... which led to his return to Jerusalem, his partnering with many other believers and eventually the restoration of the holy city.... He got what he longed for but it was God's way.

I am trying to take this way of Nehemiah... mourning, waiting, praying... and make it my own. Please pray for me... and I will pray for you. I'm guessing you too woke up today to a battle of the mind and heart like this one I'm facing...

Thank you, friends!
Courtney

A little snapshot of me

Well, this is me. Since this is my blog I guess I should put a few pictures of myself. There aren't many of me on the interwebs because I am usually behind the camera (where I prefer to be in terms of photography) but that doesn't mean I'm shy.  In general I haven't met a stage, microphone or crowd I didn't like. I think some people call it hammin' it up. I call it fun. I'm the fourth child in a confident family. I had to make my way somehow. Not to mention the fact that I work for Young Life where there seems to be an abundance of stages, microphones and crowds. I guess you could say the glove fits.