Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24
The other day I had a scheduled solitude day. That means phone off, in my living in room in my chair and a few hours of uninterrupted listening, reading, praying and journaling. It's usually difficult to settle into that time, but it is always refreshing and refocusing. I've said it before, but it is a gift that we are required to take one every month.
This particular day I woke up and did some things around the house, got my coffee, sent some emails. As I was thinking about my time, I felt God leading me to have some confession time with Him, to specifically confess some specific sin.
Ughhhhhh I thought. I don't want to do that. I don't want to dig in and remember that ugly stuff that I know is not honoring to God and that I know isn't light to others but darkness. I don't want to be ashamed of what I've thought or done or said. I don't want to admit weakness. Ughhhhh.
But I sat down, and I gave in. Ok, Lord, bring it up to the surface. Let me be broken over it because I know it breaks your heart. More than that, I know you hate it. God hates sin. Let me remember that you died for this sin, before I committed it, knowing that I was going to deny you more times than Peter and choose riches and personal gain more times than Judas.
Then as I sat, God gave me a little picture of confession. He knows I'm simple-minded, so He gave me a simple picture. The guys with the big dump truck were driving down my street sucking up dead leaves that lined both sides of my street. Big piles, lots of dead leaves. I sat by the window and just watched the beautiful clean up. They were sucking up those leaves and getting rid of them. Bringing the street back to its intended state- clean, usable, not crowded with decaying leaves, plenty of room for movement, plenty of room for people to enter in and to leave.
You see where I'm going with this... what a picture of our lives and sin and confession. If it sticks around in decaying, dark piles then it keeps us in a state in which we weren't intended. If our sin stays in the darkness of our hearts and minds then it decays our hearts and minds instead of freeing them. It keeps piles of shame and sin around. Who knows what is hiding in it? Addiction that needs to be dealt with, self-hate that needs to be lifted, pride that God opposes?
When we confess- whether on paper or to a person we've wronged- we bring that sin into the light and we take away its power. We are able to ask forgiveness and believe the truth of Psalm 103:8-12:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
Autumn is a beautiful time- the changing leaves are gorgeous, but they are dead and dying. They are trying to get out of the way for new life, new fruit. We would never want to hinder that process. We should feel the same way about sin and confession. Out with the old and in with the new. For me, that can be painful, but it is so worth it.
In light of the Advent season starting today, let's take time to "prepare Him room" in our hearts and enjoy the gift of confession and the covering and cleansing of our sins by the life and death of Jesus. He who knew no sin became our sin so we could be set free and have everlasting, fruitful life.
